BFN – Disappointment and Heartache

June 14, 2011

in Coping,Denise's Blog,Guest Bloggers,Personal Experiences, Stories and Insights

Denise is one of our guest bloggers who is reliving her TTC story in the hope of helping others. She is sharing her most intimate thoughts, emotions and physical and medical journey on having her baby. To date she has explained how she came to the decision to start to try to have a baby even though she was single, and 40. She has shared what it was like to visit her first fertility specialist and the physical pain of her myomectomy. Now she opens up about the pain of her BFN.

Denise’s Words

After being released from the hospital, I endured a painful recovery. As I popped pain pills, suffered from stomach pains that are unimaginable and walked with a gentle limp, I kept telling myself that it will all be worth it. The tests that I’d taken six weeks after my surgery revealed that my tubes were clear and my uterus was healthy. There was no scarring to prevent implantation. Six more weeks and I could try for the first time.

The day in December 2010 when AF arrived was an exciting day for me. I was actually happy to see AF. It’s funny, but for us women who are trying to conceive, AF is a blessing at some times and a curse at others. This time her visit was a blessing. I called my doctor’s office, excitement permeating my voice. My excitement was contagious because the nurse was excited right along with me. We scheduled my day 2 ultrasound. I knew this would be my time!! I knew that I would get pregnant on the first time. The statistics that said it didn’t happen didn’t apply to me.

I went in for my day 2 ultrasound and the nurse found 12 antral follicles. There were only 6 in June. I was given Clomid, to be taken days 3 to 7. Day 9, I gave myself a shot of Gonal F. Giving myself a shot was foreign to me and scary. But, I sucked it up because this would help me achieve my dream of conceiving little Jaydon. But, I felt like the biggest fool when I spilled half the shot. I was heartbroken. I knew that I’d ruined my chances of getting pregnant that cycle. The next day, the nurse assured me that I didn’t ruin my chances of having a child. Rather on December 30, 2010, my day 12 ultrasound showed that I’d responded quite well to the Clomid and Gonal F. I had two mature follicles and a possible. I gave myself the HCG trigger shot that night. I went in on December 31 and January 1 for easy, back to back IUIs.

Uggggh, the dreaded TWW began. But, I handled it very well for the first seven days. I wasn’t too nervous. I tried not to think about it too much. Then over dinner with a friend on day 7dpiui, I felt my first bout of nausea. Could it possibly be? The nervousness hit me full force at this point. I just knew I was pregnant. I’d done it. I was pregnant. In my excitement at the thought of being pregnant, I became a basket case. I was on the internet every day, all day. I questioned everything that was going on with my body. Could I take a really hot shower or will that harm Jaydon? Could I eat Balsamic Vinigrette dressing/? How much tuna fish could I really eat? Would it be ok if I warmed up by roast beef sub in the microwave? Then about 10piui my breasts became sore and heavy. OMG!! I was pregnant. Wasn’t this a classic symptom of pregnancy? “Thank God,” I thought, “I’m pregnant.”

Imagine my disappointment and heartache when I received my BFN and AF 14dpiui. I cried and was depressed the entire day. I didn’t go into work. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to answer the phone. I couldn’t help it. How could my body fool me like that? BFN, AF be damned!! My dreams had been dashed.

What do I do now? There was nothing I could do but continue with the process. More to follow on how I got back on the horse. I would not give up on my dream of conceiving little Jaydon.

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