Single and Want A Baby? What Should One Do? – Personal Fertility Journey: Denise’s Blog

A Personal Fertility Journey

Denise continues to share her fertility journey with us.  She opens up about her struggle with how to handle the fact she wants a baby, but there is no man in her life, and the judging that can come with that desire.

In Her Words….

Once I decided to have a baby, it seemed as if the skies became bluer, the sun became a little brighter, and the grass was just a tad bit greener. My heart overflowed with joy. There was just one “little” problem: I was single. Considering the fact that in order to get pregnant, one needs a man’s sperm to meet a woman’s egg, I realized I was missing a big piece to the puzzle. Well, how in the world could I contemplate getting pregnant if I didn’t have a husband or even a boyfriend?

The baby daddy question occupied my thoughts. I tossed and turned at night. I pulled at my hair during the day. What in the world was I going to do? One day-in the midst of agonizing over this “little” wrinkle in my plan, a light bulb went off and in big, bold letters I saw the word “INSEMINATION” flash brightly in my mind’s eye!  I was so pleased with this epiphany. Plenty of women have done it. Why can’t I? Well, I absolutely can do it. I was so pumped after making this decision. The answer to my agonizing had presented itself.

Alas, my relief was short-lived, as a whole new set of issues presented themselves. Whose going to be the father? Should I ditch the idea of insemination altogether and ask my ex-boyfriend to take me back?  Is there anyone I know who will agree to this?  If I don’t know someone who will do this for me, will I really consider an anonymous donor–being injected with a total stranger’s sperm? If I chose an anonymous donor, will my child ever know his or her father? So many questions, so few answers.

I talked to two men I know that I thought would be suitable sperm donors (the ex-boyfriend and a co-worker). Without going into too much detail, let’s just say the whole fiasco morphed into a horrible soap opera! That being said, I had to seriously consider the idea of an anonymous donor. I discovered there were two types, open and completely anonymous. If I chose an open-donor, then the issue I had with my child never knowing his or her father would be deleted. I discovered how rigorously donors are tested for genetic and sexually-transmitted diseases, as well as the extensive medical history on not just the donor, but the donor’s children (if they have any), mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Additionally, there is extensive information on the donor’s education, profession, grades, likes and dislikes and personality tests. I dare say, most women know more about their sperm donor than a man they would date and subsequently marry!!! After discovering all this information, the decision to use an anonymous donor was much easier to accept.

I know many people reading this will not be supportive of my decision. But, I implore you to hold off on judging. I have found that most people who are negative regarding donor insemination don’t know much about it and have children of their own. My decision was the right one for me. My decision has brought me much relief. No more headaches or worry regarding this issue. Now, if I can just get pregnant!! It’s not going to be easy at my age and with my health issues. But, Jaydon will be conceived!

{ 65 comments… add one }

  • Sparkle March 8, 2014, 9:58 pm

    OMG, I’m in the same boat. I’ve always wanted to be a mother but find myself single and being in my 30s I’m getting doubtful that it’s never going to happen for me. I’very been searching for surrogates who is willing to have a baby for me. I alway’s get sad that motherhood hasn’t happen for me.

  • i want a boyfriend March 11, 2014, 7:09 am

    There is another part to the no contact policy that is just
    as important if you want to get him back. When you accept reality instead of avoiding it, you eliminate an enormous amount of tension and worry that is being felt by
    both you and your boyfriend. The truth is that it will
    make you more unattractive in the eyes of your
    ex boyfriend.

  • JJ July 22, 2014, 1:35 am

    I am 41 and want to have a child. I don’t want to do it alone, but I don’t have another option and time is running out. I’m wondering if there are coparenting/collaborative/communities out there. I may have found a donor. Then I’d like to raise my child with support. Make sense? Possible?

  • Tony September 14, 2014, 8:51 pm

    I’m 43 years old and have never had a child of my own. I’ve helped raise 4 nephews. I’ve helped raise a little girl in a non married relationship. I was married and divorced my ex wife was unable to have children we could have adopted but she decided to divorce me. I struggle to find a relationship now because it’s important to me to be with someone who wants to have a child and honestly a relationship isn’t even a requirement anymore. I want to fill that empty place in my heart and soul and feel the magic of seeing my child for the first time. I want to experience the whole experience from conception to birth and then all the diapers and feeding and the terrible twos and teaching my todler then pre k then kindergarten t ball then what ever I want to enjoy every day of it and be involved. That’s what I’m looking for

  • Joanne September 25, 2014, 6:51 pm

    Hi Tony,

    Thanks for getting in touch and sharing your story. We wanted to let you know that we are about to launch a new online Facebook support group that will provide an intimate and nourishing atmosphere for our infertility community. Please keep your eyes open for the group launch – reaching out and communicating with others who are also going through what you’re feeling could help immensely. We will be thinking of you and hope to to see you join the group.

    Best wishes!

  • lionel November 5, 2014, 10:37 am

    i want a kid to and im a guy.hw do guys go about the sense just having a kid by mutual understanding with the mother no matter the method

  • Aleksandra April 3, 2015, 7:57 pm

    Hi there…I just turned 39 two weeks ago and I have given up on finding “Mr. Right”. I came across your article and I don’t know when you wrote it but was wondering how you were doing in the process?

  • PenniB May 6, 2015, 1:17 pm

    Hi, I can understand what you all are saying because I’m 30 never been pregnant and single. I want a baby and my mother is ready to be a grandmother but I’m not just going to have sex with a guy just to get a baby. To be honest I thought that I was the only person that felt this way and every time I meet a guy he doesn’t want kids. So I don’t know what to do :0(…..

  • Rosaa May 20, 2015, 12:13 pm

    I’m 20 years old, turning 21 soon.

    I’ve been in off and on relationships recently but for the past year I really want to have a baby. I think about it everyday and night. Only problem is I don’t have a boyfriend right now and I don’t believe I want one either. I wouldn’t mind being a single mother because I think that would work best for me. But then again for the child’s benefit the father would need to be around

  • Karl July 27, 2015, 2:11 am

    Hi, i am a 40 year old male and have just come from a clean divorce and i would love to have a baby. My Ex wife unfortunately couldn’t have children but now I’m on my own again after many years. I would be over the moon to hold a baby of my own!!! What do i do? ?

  • Jay September 10, 2015, 2:54 am

    Hey, I can relate totally to some degree. My lone child is eighteen now but I still find myself wanting to have another at age 38 and start over. Just seems right at times I guess. That feeling is a constant hit.

  • Steven Quintero September 13, 2015, 1:11 am

    well is a nice thought, I’m a 22 year old Colombian guy, I know I’m still young and I probably will have loads of time to have a baby, but this Idea came to me once, and I really want to have a baby, while I’m young I get to play more with my son/daughter, for me is a great idea, don’t take me wrong I just want to have a baby and I just want to choose the mother, I know is a weird thought but you can’t have a baby with anyone, there is a lot more going on in DNA process, let me know what you think.

  • kasy September 18, 2015, 5:40 pm

    I am now going to be 40 this year and my story is complicated I am married but husband has a mistress and abandoned me and then married her before divorcing me . Yep so now I am looking at going it alone. the Known donor regestry is where I am looking its free and has lots of info if you have any tips please let me know . I am writing a journal of my journey . Its hard to go it alone . It is not how we invisioned it but to get the prize sometimes you have to just go for it. kids are such a blessing and life has a way of working things out for the single mom. Here is hoping to have London in 2016

  • kasy September 18, 2015, 5:44 pm

    I just relised that I did not leave my email address its I think its a great Plan B if you will to have a child with donation and I hope we all have our dream relised soon.

  • Jason October 4, 2015, 6:30 pm

    I am a 34 year old male and based on what I have read I would be turned down as a sperm donor simply because I am under 6 feet tall. I am happily married but my wife does not want kids and I am ok with that as I want to be with her. I do however want a child even if it’s just to be a donor and be out of the picture. I am in very good health and educated with no history of family illness. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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