Want To Get Pregnant After 35 or 40: Stop Blaming And Start Forgiving

September 9, 2011

in All Things Fertility,Guest Bloggers

Guest Blog Post by Cynthia Wilson James from InSeason Mom. InSeason Mom supports first time moms over 35 and 40 started by former childbirth educator Cynthia Wilson James who conceived naturally, gave birth at ages 42 and 44 to two healthy daughters. CBS New York has recognized InSeason Mom as one of the best resources for first time moms over 35.

Want to get pregnant after 35 or 40: stop blaming and start forgiving

Abortions, not marrying the right one or marrying too late, not paying attention to biological clock, too career-oriented are just a few of the thousands of reasons that women torment themselves for not being able to get pregnant over 35 and 40.

Having married for the first time at age 40, I know about the pregnancy blame mindset. The minute after the ceremony, I set my pregnancy clock. When I wasn’t pregnant, nine months after saying “I do,” I became frustrated and I privately played the blame game. Why was everybody getting pregnant except me? Other college-educated and professional women had married sooner and began a family. Why had I waited so late to begin a family?

I blamed my husband because I wondered if he had a low sperm count. I blamed my father because I wondered if he had encouraged me to set my standards too high for dating and marriage when I was younger. I blamed my church because I wondered if it had not been for their teaching against marrying those who were not members, I would have married the “right one” and had children in my 20s. I also blamed the “wrong ones” because they weren’t the “right ones” and I had to break off marriage proposals!

Then, after running out of scapegoats to blame, I turned the attention to myself. A woman who is trying to conceive or is experiencing infertility after 35 or 40 know that thinking of reasons to blame herself is easy. I certainly made a list of my reasons. I must add that I strongly believe in self-examination. I believe that good mental, spiritual and physical health is essential to conception. (This is a major reason that I support the Circle+Bloom programs. They get the connection between the mind and body!)

Countless studies show how we think about an illness/disease can worsen or lessen its effect in our bodies. I believe the same is true when we are trying to conceive. Anger, stress and lack of forgiveness are major emotional barriers to conceiving.

Practice forgiving yourself and others for their mistakes by reminding yourself that you are imperfect and so is everyone else. I find that when I am anger, all of my thoughts focus on my anger or hurt. I am unable to be productive. I am steaming mad! For a couple of minutes, not being productive may be fine, but the problem occurs when my anger or hurt prevents me from being productive for hours. I’ve lost precious time that I can never get back.

I gave birth at age 42 to a healthy baby girl and at age 44 to a second healthy daughter. Learning and practicing to stop blaming and start forgiving played a key role in their births.

While I applaud and am a supporter of the advantages in the medical community, you’ll often say that I gave birth by “divine intervention” rather than “medical invention.”

I encourage all my sisters who want to become pregnant after 35 or 40 to consider one of my favorite bible verses, which states:

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. ( New Living Translation(@2007-Phillippians 3: 13)


Cynthia Wilson James is a former childbirth educator and founder of InSeason Mom, which has been named by CBS New York as one of the top resources for first time moms over 35. She provides coaching and support to first time expectant moms over 35 and 40.

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